Each day that passes by us a memory is made; most are good ones, some aren’t significant enough to store in our data base of a mind, and some are bad enough that they stay with us for longer than we want them. Why do we tend to let the bad memories of the past cloud our minds? This is a question which seems to be woven into the fabric of this week’s House episode. As the story is told the patient of the week, Nadia, is not the only one who seems to hold bad memories that shape her personality. Taub, Foreman, Wilson and House seem to still hold the skeletons in the closet of their pasts. Let me lead the way for you.
Nadia is woman with a pristine memory, which we discover is a symptom of McCloud’s Syndrome. She tends to compulsively obsess over her life. But rather than obsess over the good, her mind stops at all the bad memories in her life. This becomes an issue when she gets very ill and her sister Elena comes around to her side. Apparently, Elena hit Nadia with a car when they were younger. This is something Nadia has never been able to let go of even when her sister donates a kidney to her. House felt that if Nadia truly outweighs the bad with the good then a new kidney would “trump” all of the bad Elena may have done. That incident with the car invades Nadia’s memories twice. Once in the beginning of the episode and again when Nadia goes to thank her sister for the kidney. Nadia has interesting perception of people and memories.
“She’s hurt me more than she’s helped me. Simple math. Most people edit their
memories…add small little lies so they don’t have to face the truth. My memory
stays the same because my truth is the truth.”
Chase feels that Nadia thinks her sister doesn’t deserve her affection, because Elena has done more bad things than good. Not surprisingly, House agrees with Nadia’s outlook.
“Unlike everybody else in the world her memory seems to let her keep a pure and objective view of people and relationships. There’re no petty emotions or agendas fogging up the windshield. Why is that so wrong?”
Because of this ability which Nadia deems “special,” she basically isolates herself from family and friends in order to avoid thinking of her past. For her being a waitress is fine, because she’s good at her job. Her life sounds all too familiar.
House has the gift of his mind. Before Mayfield, he too had the tendency to isolate himself from the world. And like Nadia, the memories of his past still haunt him. Although House is no longer alone and is involved in a serious relationship with Cuddy, there is a part of him that still feels he doesn’t deserve what he’s experiencing now, especially since his best friend Wilson is now alone. In House’s mind, Wilson shouldn’t be alone. I think House is still dwelling on the past in his new relationship. He remembers the horrible things he’s done to Cuddy. As a result, just like Nadia feels Elena doesn’t deserve her affection, House might feel he is unworthy of Cuddy’s affection. I think House in his mind is still playing the game of weighing his behaviors both good and bad and feels bad may be tilting the scale. House cannot escape his insecurity to a point where he cannot enjoy this newfound reward in his life of happiness. Like Nadia, he cannot seem to let go of the past and only remembers the bad things that he’s done. Granted this is just my assessment, since nothing concrete came in the course of the episode. However, based on House’s expression at the very end of the episode and his comments throughout, I got that vibe.
It was also interesting to note that the idea of loneliness came up twice in very different ways in the episode, but with the same intention. When Wilson gets a cat to curb his loneliness, House sarcastically notes that Wilson’s subconscious is probably afraid he’ll die alone. Then, House brings up loneliness to Nadia when he tells her everybody dies alone. For me this was typical House deflection. It wasn’t Nadia, his patient, that he was worried about. He’s worried about himself. Does he feel his past behavior will come back to haunt him and that this blissful feeling of happiness is fleeting? Does he feel that if things don’t work out with Cuddy that he will indeed die alone, because he feels no one else will tolerate him? It’s interesting how we get a glimpse of House’s thought process indirectly. I also wondered whether or not House fears that his desire for happiness will take away from the gift of his mind and diagnostic prowess.
How has the past had an impact on Wilson? As we all know, Wilson craves neediness. He’s found it in the form of his deceased neighbor’s diabetic cat. According to House, after Wilson’s second divorce, he got a three-legged Siamese cat and basically put himself in isolation. In House’s mind, he fears the same thing will happen now that Sam is out of his life. Two cats with problems in need of care and love, and Wilson receiving that love in return. In an odd way, I tended to think that House was one of Wilson’s cats. Wilson took him in and in turn continued to retain House’s friendship which is something he’ll always have. For Wilson time may be a healer. He had just better watch out for mysteriously open windows.
Taub failed his pathology boards due to what he claimed was the flu and is in danger of losing his medical license as a result. He ends up selecting Foreman as his tutor. However, every time he’s supposed to be studying, he finds different excuses to postpone the activity. Later on we discover Taub lied. He never had the flu. He too was haunted by the past. You see, Taub received a perfect score on his first pathology boards. He explains to Foreman that now he keeps thinking whatever his score turns out to be will be “a measure of the distance between me and the man I used to be.” The last test he took was before he lost his wife and home, so now he feels that the results just won’t get any better. Taub fears more failure in his life and because of that has lost all confidence in himself. Foreman tries to motivate Taub and restore his confidence while also revealing his fear. He tells Taub that sometimes he can’t sleep at night thinking that he got the diagnosis wrong. Does that sound familiar to anyone out there? It seems Foreman hasn’t completely let go of his past either. The bad memory of losing his patient, Lupe, from Season Three’s “House Training” still haunts his mind even though he professes to Taub that “these things work themselves out.” But is Foreman really telling Taub the truth there?
In the end, each individual received a gift probably without realizing it.
For Wilson, House gave him the gift of the cat and the gift of time. Ten days of time to be exact. Wilson accepted that gift, because I think he understood House’s concern based on his actions of the past. In that regard, Wilson may want to give House some peace of mind. In the meantime, Wilson will enjoy the affections of his cat.
Foreman gave Taub a gift by letting him pay for the answers to the pathology exam. At least then Taub will get a little confidence even if he does cheat. As for working on Taub’s confidence a bit more, well according to Foreman there’ll be another time to work on it. Additionally, Foreman gave Taub a place to stay until he could find a place of his own. Taub gave Foreman the gift of his TV. But most importantly, they gave each other the gift of friendship. In a strange way, Taub and Foreman appear to be similar in relationship to House and Wilson. Difference is….I don’t think Taub is self-destructive….yet.
Nadia chose the gift of SSRI’s that Chase gave her to control her obsessive memories and to help her form more meaningful, close relationships in her life. To her being “special” wasn’t as important as the opportunity to toss exile and loneliness aside.
House too received a gift to thwart his loneliness. He received the gift of Cuddy’s love and affection without sacrificing his mind. He still may seem unworthy of accepting it, but it is a comfort to him at the moment even if his past actions still lace fear within him.
Yes, our bad memories do tend to saturate our minds. But what do we really do with them? Do we continue to obsess over them? Learn from them? Or Find a point in our lives where we say to hell with it? What do our past memories do to our relationships? Do they strengthen them or weaken them? What is the solution to leaving the past behind and moving forward?
Personally, I have bad memories. However, I don’t seem to obsess over them. I found that I’ve learned from them and try to help others as a result of them. Then, there are times when I push the bad memories away and focus on the good things I have today and not take them for granted. I hope House finds a time to do the same and put his restless mind at ease, enjoying his journey right now. He’s come too far to let the demons of his past cloud his future, because, whether he believes it or not, everyone deserves a second chance. Everyone deserves to be happy.
Until next time….this is another edition of Diagnosing House. Hope you enjoyed it! As always, comments are welcome and I do respond. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thanks for taking the time to read!
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